Day 40

BDE Bonus by Mac Miller

I turn 28 years old today.

My favorite part about turning 28 is waking up in sheer panic and having fever dreams knowing you’re at the tail end of your 20’s. I shit you not. I looked in the mirror today and actually think I’m balding, which really sucks because I can’t make fun of my older brother anymore who’s BALDING balding.

Ever since I graduated college, birthdays are a reset. They all start the same – mass at 7am followed by a deep clean of my room, all while sprinkling in some thought provoking walks before a family dinner at night.

28 feels different. For the first time in a long time I’m excited to be an older, wiser, 28. I’m finally at a time in my life where I sort of know what I want and what I don’t. What I’m good at. What I suck at. My social circle has gotten smaller yet grown to be invaluable.

I’m in a state of oblivious optimism with a side of existential dread. That’s fine by me.

A great friend of mine recently told me about the Saturn Return. How every twenty nine-ish years Saturn returns to its orbit in relation to your zodiac sign completing your first transit. I really don’t believe in the whole “everything happens for a reason” bullshit, but as of recently without going into too much detail I’ve forced myself to look through other lenses.

My late twenties feels something like a spiritual spring cleaning. What is meant to stay in my life will, what isn’t will be removed, take the lessons learned and put ’em in the next chapter.

And before that chapter starts, one thing is for sure. I sure as shit better finish this blog so help me God (no pun intended given this was a lent exercise. Shoutout God).

—

It’s no secret I’ve written about Mac a lot in this blog. There’s a reason for that – ever since sophomore year of college he’s been my favorite artist to date.

I truly feel as if God meant for me to listen to Mac’s music. Again, shoutout God.

We were driving in the famous Shmitty Mobile to go to the University of Dayton for our bye weekend when I saw a text in the group chat that read “Damn, RIP Mac Miller.” In that moment I looked up and it began pissing rain with no signs of stopping. It got so we actually had to pull over on the highway.

As we pulled up to campus the rain felt as if it parted, only to have Mac music flood the streets from houses all over.

The music and rain played non stop all weekend. I swear it was like mother nature mourned Mac’s loss on earth.

It’s important to note that before Mac’s passing I was not his biggest fan. I remember changing my iChat bio to “now playing” and having his Knock Knock hit being played. The frat boy persona was still heavy in my memory portrait.

Before sophomore year of college though I went to get my allergy shots done (grown man btw) when his single “Self Care” dropped. I watched it through and thought it was pretty interesting with the memento/kill bill influence I believe. An emergence of what once was to what now is. A new look on life. My friend played “Swimming” (my favorite album of all time) right before I had left for semester and I remember thinking “Wow, this is really good. Maybe he isn’t G-Easy after all.”

Anyways, after his passing God found a way to sprinkle Mac into my life at such important times. We were in our 6 man apartment when one of my frat brothers played “ascension” during a rot session. It had this eerie, ominous feel that made you tense, but it was my first taste into Mac’s introspective side. I began to study his discography not realizing just how little of the iceberg I had discovered and still had left to dive down.

The more I studied him as a person I realized how similar we were.

He loved to make people laugh. He loved to be genuine. He loved, loved, loved music, more than anything in the world. He would give a chance on love every day of the week and twice on Sunday. He wanted to be the best he could be while staying true to himself. He went against the grain to unlock new versions of himself in his world.

He just seemed like the coolest dude, man. I would’ve loved to meet him.

That said, he had his demons as I have mine. He fought his as I continue to fight mine.

—

This song feels like the perfect ending to a chapter. It also reminds me of one of my best friends.

I remember my freshman year of college winding down hearing this blast from the senior housing below. Two thoughts entered my mind. 1. That must fucking suck to graduate, and 2. If/when I ever do, this song will be played.

No secret now that I’ve had many friends mentioned throughout this blog. A lot of which happened to be roommates I had met along the way during my college years. I was fortunate enough to not only meet this dude in college but also have him as a roommate in Chicago.

He is one of the most loyal dudes you’ll ever meet. Once he rides with you, he rides with you. It didn’t take many shitty tequila nights down at Dans to know this guy was the man. He’s just a guys guy – loves to have a good time, has an infectious laugh, and is in it with you from sunrise to sun down.

Flash forward a few years out of grad, I had met this girl that I was head over heels for at a bar downtown. I don’t usually give my heart away fast but for some reason I was gushing for this chick. We were planning a date that I was prepping for like the super bowl.

Right before softball she hit me with the “just want to be friends” HR text and I was fucking crushed. I went from 100 to 0 real quick – it wasn’t hard to notice. I don’t hide my emotions very well while my boy can be a brick wall when it comes to that stuff.

He knew something was up but didn’t say anything ‘til after. I went to tell my sister when my roommate said “dude what is going on”. I left before he could see me cry and said I just got rejected. Total alpha move.

When I came back he said “c’mon were going” and he took me to Oberweis for a root beer float. Totally out of character emotionally for him being a brick wall, but that’s the kind of dude he is. When you need him, he’s there for you. I’m beyond lucky to have a brother like him.

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Welp, somehow someway that’s 40! Thank you for following along – I hope you enjoyed reading them just as much as I enjoyed writing them. I’m not sure if I will continue on with these, I might tweak it a bit but it’ll be here in writing.

This has been such a lethargic and important experience in my music journey. Thank you for following along. If and when our paths cross I hope we can share some stories on songs and memories together.

Regardless of where we are in our music chapters, we can always read from the same page every once in a while.